Joke of the Day

For Anything and Everything to do with Flute Playing and Music

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Fri Sep 13, 2013 9:59 am

Well, we made it to another Friday!
Another list of internet wisdom's to avoid!

It's not whether you win or lose,
but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk
if you can lie on the floor
without holding on.

We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?

A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed
skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
to produce reproductive organs.


"You know why a banana is like a politician?"
"He comes in and first he is green,
then he turns yellow
and then he's rotten."

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms,
you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could
identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Have a great weekend!

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Fri Sep 13, 2013 10:24 am

Nice!! I especially like the suggestion the Congress wear uniforms... :)
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Wed Dec 04, 2013 3:01 pm

:roll: :arrow:

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
you'll get repossessed.

With her marriage,
she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre,
you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
:roll:

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Wed Dec 04, 2013 4:55 pm

Nice ones Classitar! Reminds me of these:

I used to have a photographic memory but they don't make my film size anymore.

The apple of my eye is a little peach with the prettiest pair.
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Wed Mar 12, 2014 8:59 pm

Here's one for all the geek musicians:

There is a new band called 1023MB. They haven't had a gig yet...
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Thu Mar 13, 2014 8:45 am

Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!"

Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please."

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"

A classics professor goes to a Eyetalian tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?

A classical guitarist's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A carpenter was positioning a nail and told his assistant "when I nod my head, you hit it"
Well you know the rest....

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Wed Mar 19, 2014 1:38 pm

No place for Bass!
Big Treble!.jpg
Big Treble!.jpg (46.68 KiB) Viewed 5750 times

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Fri Apr 25, 2014 7:48 am

Phyllis Diller !

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor ..

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Have a Great Weekend!

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Tue Mar 17, 2015 8:46 am

Help Wanted: Still Looking For The Perfect Job


I could really use a little help here!

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory , but I got canned . Couldn't concentrate .

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it , so they gave me the axe .

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a Professional Classical Guitarist, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Dress Factory. I tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

11B.My last job was working in a Coffee Café, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..

Thinking about becoming a Pastry Chef, that’s got to be Sweeeet!

Friday 13. After many years of trying to find steady work , I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

Have a great week!

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Thu Feb 04, 2016 9:22 am

My brother is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger....then it hit me

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter.....Eskimo pi

Basic unit of laryngitis.......one hoarsepower

And the cheapest way to bring up an Australian child, so the child-raising experts tell us, is to stick your fingers down a dingo's throat.

Funny that you should mention Mullah Nasruddin, I saw him performing in a Magic carpet store in the barrio last night.
He waved his magic wand, said "Uno, Dos and vanished without a Tres

We missed out on the billion dollar lottery so I entered a Pun Contest
We wrote 10 to see if one would win but nopunintendid

Almost Friday, Hang in there!

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Thu Feb 04, 2016 5:20 pm

Ooo.... :lol:
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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