Joke of the Day

For Anything and Everything to do with Flute Playing and Music

Moderators: Classitar, pied_piper, Phineas

fluteguy18
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2006 3:11 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluteguy18 » Thu May 17, 2012 7:42 am

Classitar wrote:Well, we made it to another Friday!


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
On a slight tangent... I once worked with a client (doing some design work) and she was a teacher in the public school system. She got fired for giving a student a poor grade and putting her initials by the grade. The reason? Her initials were 'JEW' and the student was Jewish... There's now a multi-million dollar lawsuit in her defense...

Talk about bad luck...
:shock:

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Fri May 25, 2012 10:27 am

For all of the vacationers out there!

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula
airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you
want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight
attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here,
find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell
everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like
every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite."

---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything
left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o-

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight
attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know
what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was
the asphalt."

---o0o-

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your
seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to
the gate!"

---o0o-

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o-

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of
his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o-

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal.."

---o0o-

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time
you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o-

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:40 am

Bad Flute and Piccolo Jokes for this week

Q. How do you know there's a flute player at your door?
A. You don't. They can't find the right key and don't know when to make the entrance.

Q. How do you get 2 piccolos to play in tune?
A. Shoot one.

Q: What's the difference between a flutist and a piranha?
A: The lipstick.

Q: How many flutists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six -- One to get the chair to stand on, one to stand on the chair and actually screw it in, one to pull the chair out from under her, and three more to complain about how much better they could have done it.

Q: How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.

Q: What is perfect pitch on a flute?
A: When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

Q: How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A: When the engines stop, the whining continues

Q: Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
A: To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the flute recital.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the
road and a dead flutist in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: Impossible.

Q: Four flutists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
tragedy?
A: You can easily fit eight flutists in a mini-van.

Q: Why were flutes invented?
A: To hit the person on the right.

Q: Why were piccolos invented?
A: To give the whole orchestra a headache.

Q: What do you have when a group of flutists are up to their necks in wet
concrete?
A: Not enough concrete.

Q: Why do flutists leave their instruments on the dashboards of their
cars?
A: So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A flutist.

Q: What's the difference between an onion and a flute?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a flute

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

There is a group of 6th grade flute players, and they are in a competition to who can get the highest note.
"Look guys, I can play a high A!" (Screeeeeeech!)
"Well, I can get to high B" (Screeeech!, Any glass nearby busts)
"I can play piccolo!" (Panic ensues)
"Nooooo! DON'T DO IT!"
"PUT IT AWAY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!"
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

ghostNote
Posts: 47
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Location: Southeast Asia

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 5:41 am

Choose the answer which best completes the comparison.


1. Flautist is to punchline
as waiting to happen is to:

a. The next Ice Age.

b. A Balanced Budget.

c. His Sexlife.

ghostNote
Posts: 47
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Location: Southeast Asia

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 8:38 pm

Q: What's the difference between a brain surgeon and an Act of God?

Q: Why'd the flautist miss his shot to be on the Newly Wed Show?

Q: How many brain surgeons did it take to screw a lightbulb into the flautist's head?

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:04 pm

Q: Why was the flautist seen weeping standing outside of General Electric?

Q: How did the flautist get all the brain surgeons laughing?
A: Went ahead and told them he'd like to make a donation to Science.

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:19 pm

Q: How can you tell apart the Tinman from a flautist?
A: The Tinman will be fully aware he hasn't any donation to offer Science.

Q: Why'd the flautist get the Pythagorean Theorem inscribed on his instrument?

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:29 pm

A: Your guess is as good as mine; it's going to take an Act of God to get through, trying to get across to that guy!

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:43 pm

Q: How can you spot the new nightclub the flautist is trying to open in your neighborhood?
A: It'll be the one that opens at 8:00 AM.

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:54 pm

A: Finally after much arguing, haranguing, heated debate, confusion, and several hours of uncertain turmoil which followed afterward, it ever so eventually begun to dawn upon him that it wasn't possible to have a tattoo put onto a piece of metal!

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:07 pm

Q: Why did the flautist stubbornly refuse to borrow his brother's surveying equipment, but obstinately choose to head into town and buy some for himself rather?
A: Because someone once told him that a flautist seeks his own level!

ghostNote
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Location: Southeast Asia

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:24 pm

A brain surgeon and a priest are sitting together at a bar when a flautist walks in, the brain surgeon turns to the priest and says, 'Father, hollow be his skull!'

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:39 pm

Q: Good fat, bad fat, what's the diff?
A: Well, if you live next door to a flautist, giving somebody a fat lip probably sounds pretty good right about now!

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 10:47 pm

Q: Why'd the transverse flautist cross the road?
A: Because.. he was... trying to stay on the... SAME SIDE?! Hey, who's writing this stuff anyhow?!

ghostNote
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ghostNote » Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:22 pm

The only good transverse flautist is a transversed transverse-flautist.

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