Joke of the Day

For Anything and Everything to do with Flute Playing and Music

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Fri Mar 16, 2012 8:51 am

Happy Friday All!

High School Metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:06 am

:lol: Those are great. You might even say classics from Classitar!

On the topic of high school strudents, here's one of my favorites from a geometry quiz.
FindX.jpg
FindX.jpg (6.8 KiB) Viewed 8889 times
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:41 am

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then,

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B.S. = 103%

SO, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but B.S. will put you over the top...
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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cflutist
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cflutist » Mon Mar 26, 2012 8:48 am

pp:

very funny :lol:

What is your new avatar?
I miss looking at your flutes
:(

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:51 pm

Yeah, I thought that was a classic.

RE my avatar, I thought it was time for a change, so I changed to one of my recent custom crowns. That one has a mermaid figure on top. I took your suggestion and I'm going to be putting some on eBay soon. I'm also working on a deal to supply an exclusive crown design for a vendor's handmade headjoints. I can't discuss the details until the deal is done...

I'll probably change my avatar periodically to show some of my new designs.
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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cflutist
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cflutist » Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:18 pm

pp,

This is beautiful.
Good Luck.

I think I read an article once in Flute Talk by Patricia George saying that the design and weight of the crown makes a difference in tone production? I can say that the crown on my Williams HJ has more heft than the Haynes crown which has more than the Gemmy crown.

Rossweisse
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Rossweisse » Mon Mar 26, 2012 4:53 pm

Your mermaid is Gorgeous, pied_piper! You will, of course, let us know when you are ready to offer others for sale?
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one but she'll need to try 40 or 50 light-bulbs to find the best one.

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Mon Mar 26, 2012 9:08 pm

Rossweisse - I don't want to hijack this thread, but for anyone interested, here's a brochure that I distributed at the local Flute Faire. There's an email address in it for more information.
http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa4 ... rowns8.jpg

If you want to see some better pictures of my crowns, take a look at this link:
http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa4 ... %20Crowns/

Cflutist - yes, I read that same article. Since many crowns are hollow, I'm going to be making some inserts to experiment with that concept. I'm going to be a doubting Thomas though and reserve judgement until I can try it myself. The headjoint vendor I'm working with has already expressed some interest in that, so that's why I'm going to make some weighted inserts for them to evaluate.
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

Rossweisse
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Rossweisse » Mon Mar 26, 2012 10:02 pm

Ta for the links. /hijacking

Back to the thread, there is a joke for today (which is cool-ish and humid, thus reeds were all being quite uncooperative) in my sig.
Q: How many oboists does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: Only one but she'll need to try 40 or 50 light-bulbs to find the best one.

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:17 am

Great job Pied Piper! Good Luck, I'm always excited to see someone succeed in Art and Craft

cmybliss
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cmybliss » Tue Mar 27, 2012 9:26 pm

pied_piper wrote:Rossweisse - I don't want to hijack this thread, but for anyone interested, here's a brochure that I distributed at the local Flute Faire. There's an email address in it for more information.
http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa4 ... rowns8.jpg

If you want to see some better pictures of my crowns, take a look at this link:
http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa4 ... %20Crowns/

Wow! Those really are beautiful!

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Thu Apr 12, 2012 12:53 pm

Well, its not Friday but in case I have to do some work while I'm here tomorrow:

Some News we've heard around town:

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I'm not your type, I'm not inflatable.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE, you can even use it in food.

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Thu Apr 12, 2012 1:18 pm

:lol:
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Fri May 11, 2012 8:31 am

Well, we made it to another Friday!

The news has been a little confusing around town this week!:

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist it.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. :roll: :oops:

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MissyHPhoenix
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by MissyHPhoenix » Sat May 12, 2012 12:40 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:


I bought a new magnet for my 'fridge -- it says:

"Old doesn't seem so Old now that I'm Old!"

It has pride of place now!
Missy

Why Be Normal????

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