Joke of the Day

For Anything and Everything to do with Flute Playing and Music

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nasxxx
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:57 am
Location: Bristol - UK

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by nasxxx »

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

fluteguy18
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2006 3:11 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluteguy18 »

:shock:

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Classitar
Posts: 347
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar »

25 Lessons from Childhood:

1. My Parents taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My Parents taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My Parents taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My Parents taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My Parents taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My Parents taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My Parents taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My Parents taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My Parents taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My Parents taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My Parents taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My Parents taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My Parents taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My Parents taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My Parents taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My Parents taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My Parents taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My Parents taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My Parents taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My Parents taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My Parents taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My Parents taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My Parents taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My Parents taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My Parents taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

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MissyHPhoenix
Posts: 368
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:19 pm
Location: Hammond, LA, USA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by MissyHPhoenix »

LOVE IT!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Thanks, that made my day! Gotta show my daughter .....
Missy

Why Be Normal????

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Classitar
Posts: 347
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar »

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. (You can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ... And then there are educators

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cflutist
Posts: 447
Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2006 12:44 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cflutist »

How do concert band flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
They ask their boyfriend to do it for them.


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What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.


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How many flute players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but she'll break 10 bulbs before she realizes they can't be pushed in.


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What key is the alto flute pitched in?
G-- I really don't care, either!!


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How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but she'll have to twist it back and forth for an hour to make sure she gets it just right.


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What's the difference between a flutist and a seamstress?
I seamstress tucks the frills.


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Piccolo Jokes

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How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison?
Shoot one.


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What is the range of a piccolo?
Oh, about twenty yards on a good day.


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What is the definition of perfect pitch in a piccolo?
When you throw it in the toilet and it doesn't hit the rim.


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How do you tune two piccolos?
You shoot them both.


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How many flute players does it take to change a light bulb?
--Five: One to change the bulb, one to pull the ladder out from under her, and three to * about how much better they would have done it.


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How many flutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one - she simply holds it up and the world revolves around her.


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What do you call a good flute section?
Impossible


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Q. How can you tell if a plane is full of flute players?
A. When the engines stop, the whining continues

fluteguy18
Posts: 2311
Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2006 3:11 pm

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluteguy18 »

Q: How much does it cost for a flutist to change a light bulb?
A: $5,000. $1 for the light bulb. $4999 for the gold plated ladder.

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Classitar
Posts: 347
Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2009 6:49 am
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar »

Happy Friday Everyone!

"These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow"

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

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MissyHPhoenix
Posts: 368
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:19 pm
Location: Hammond, LA, USA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by MissyHPhoenix »

YESSSSSSSS!!!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Missy

Why Be Normal????

sonia
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2011 1:21 am

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by sonia »

Classitar wrote:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Aww. This is so sweet. :oops:

sonia
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2011 1:21 am

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by sonia »

Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.


:lol:


________________________________
Coupe Faim Efficace
Last edited by sonia on Wed Dec 21, 2011 6:04 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
Classitar
Posts: 347
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar »

Nice to see a celebration of Women! :D

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nasxxx
Posts: 131
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2007 1:57 am
Location: Bristol - UK

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by nasxxx »

I disagree with number 15 lol

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MissyHPhoenix
Posts: 368
Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:19 pm
Location: Hammond, LA, USA

Re: Joke of the Day

Post by MissyHPhoenix »

I FULLY agree with #15 -- plus, we don't amuse ourselves by trying to make tunes out of farts!!!!!

:? :lol:
Missy

Why Be Normal????

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar »

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside and says, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple-a bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up'?"

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