Joke of the Day

For Anything and Everything to do with Flute Playing and Music

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Classitar
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Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:08 am

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

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Phineas
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phineas » Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:28 am

Classitar wrote:An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie
LMAO!!!!!

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Zevang
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Zevang » Mon Apr 04, 2011 9:56 am

Excellent!!! :-)))))

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Feadóg Mhór
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Feadóg Mhór » Mon Apr 04, 2011 5:19 pm

Is maith liom é! Maith thú! :D
Bocht an fear bhíos gan cheol.

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Tue Apr 05, 2011 5:49 am

Thanks! I hope I'm not going to be the only one posting :D
Go raibh maith agat Feadóg Mhór

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs,
enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them..
They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said

'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen

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pied_piper
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by pied_piper » Tue Apr 05, 2011 8:52 am

OK, I'll post one that's music related, but don't say I didn't warn you - it's BAAADDD...
-------------------------------------------------

Yamaha has recalled 20,000 pianos due to a problem with the pedal sticking, causing pianists to play faster than they normally would. This has resulted in a number of accidentals. Several near misses have been reported in the carpal tunnel. The sticky pedal also makes it harder to come to a full stop at the end of a piece, making it risky for audiences and professional reputations alike. Although there have been many accidentals, so far there have been no reported deafs. Currently, sales are flat and analysts are waiting to see if sales volumes will be sustained or dampened.

Responses from alarmed customers:
"The notice didn't mention whether Yamaha electronic keyboards were included in the recall. I'm concerned because I have the Yamaha CP-300 Stage Piano. My son frequently drives this unit. There have been several incidents, usually in Dvorak, where without warning, he has lurched into polka mode in an andante. This really scares the hemiola out of me."

"There is certainly no way to soft-pedal the problem, and it's causing terrible stretto in the piano playing community. Fortunately I do not own Yamahas myself. I'm hoping this problem is not also found in Steinway pianos with the Accelerated Action."

Experts suggest that a sharp response from Yamaha will be key to composing a satisfactory resolution of the problem. Criticism of the company has been sharp. Barbara Boxer is planning hearings to find out when Yamaha first learned about the treble.
"Never give a flute player a screwdriver."
--anonymous--

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Tue Apr 05, 2011 11:42 am

Excellent! We have to hold these companies accountable!

But moving on to the Obituaries:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.


Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours.


Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turn-overs. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

fluteguy18
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluteguy18 » Thu Apr 07, 2011 6:35 am

Classitar wrote:Excellent! We have to hold these companies accountable!

But moving on to the Obituaries:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.


Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours.


Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turn-overs. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

HAHA! I love it! Considering that I've just been hired as a full time chef at a new restaurant/catering business that is opening in a couple of weeks, it seems even funnier to me. I'm going to have to share this one with the owner. Haha!

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Classitar
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Classitar » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:48 am

Congratulations! That didn't take long
Good Luck!

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cflutist
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by cflutist » Thu Apr 07, 2011 11:35 am

That's great news Adam. Congrats !!!!

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Phineas
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phineas » Thu Apr 07, 2011 11:40 am

@Fluteguy18

Well at least now you will be making the dough!

Congratulations!

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Zevang
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Zevang » Thu Apr 07, 2011 12:03 pm

Fluteguy, congrats!
Wish you prenty of success in your new career.

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Bo
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Bo » Thu Apr 07, 2011 4:43 pm

Congratulations, Adam! :P

fluteguy18
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluteguy18 » Fri Apr 08, 2011 6:33 am

Thanks! :D

What can I say? Being a flute player has given me drive, and when I want something... I go get it! Haha. Since I don't have a formal culinary background, I brought in a photo album of everything I've cooked (cflutist has seen in on my facebook), and I fixed a batch of puff pastries with whipped almond cream filling to actually show them that I'm a good cook. The official offer is supposed to go through on Monday or Tuesday, but they were fairly explicit when they took me on the 1 hour tour of the facility. Considering that I'll be one of the only 2-3 "full time" people working there, I'm really happy. It's tied to the largest plant nursery in my state (sells over $5million in plant sales each year alone), and from what they showed me of plans not yet finished, I see a LOT of potential for this company. Because it's tied to that nursery (both monetarily and physically), it's garden themed, earthy, classy, geared towards organic and whole-food cooking, and specialty baking, I'm excited. Those are exactly the things I'm interested in.

I start in about 2 weeks.

fluttiegurl
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fluttiegurl » Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:03 am

Congrats!

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